M&M’s and All the Things

Peanut M&M’s. Snickers. Milky Way. All wrapped up in mom. It is way better than cigarette smoke. The smell that she defiantly wore for as long as I can remember. The cigarette smell that as a child, I wore with shame because it permeated every strand of my hair. The smell that apologetically said, “yeah I come from that, but that’s not me”.

Who would have known that M&M’s could also permeate? To be honest, the smell was not particularly pleasant. It did not make me crave any type of candy, it just masked the unpleasant smell of stale cigarettes, and all the things. I could handle it. Afterall, who doesn’t like M&M’s?

One day I decided to open the bags of candy and take the wrappers off.  I consumed a lot. I don’t know why I did that, but I did, and I got sick. Damn it. There was no going back now. It’s not like I could regurgitate what I consumed, wrap it all up, and put it back in their rightful bags. 

Where was that familiar stench of cigarettes? I knew it had to be there somewhere. Smelling my hair strand by strand, standing in her room as my nostrils twitched with irritation, there was no familiarity. I even went to her car. Surely that would smell like cigarettes. Nope. Just the smell of a woman who worked the night shift at M&M’s. The smell of a woman who worked to escape her reality. A smell that took my mom away and left me with him. A smell that left a bitter taste in my mouth. A smell that I would resent my entire childhood. A smell that made me defiantly say no to anything sweet. A smell that I could not wait to escape from. 

Escaping the smell was the easy part. Wrapping it all up and putting everything back in their rightful bags was a labor of love. I spent hours wrapping, unwrapping, and wrapping.  I could never close the bags though. So, I would pull all the things out and start the process all over again. This labor of love, this process, permeated every single fiber of my being. It stole my nights, offering no solace. I resented all the things. I consumed all the things and defiantly neglected all the things.

The night shift was finally over, and she had worked so hard to make her escape. Except this time, her escape was my reality. As I sat in her chair, covered by her silence, I unwrapped all the things.  I took the time to taste them, not just consume. I didn’t get sick. Bitter was sweet and I no longer wore any of her smells with shame. I made no apologies. This is where I came from, and this is who I am.  The house was quiet apart from the smell of stale cigarettes, M&M’s, Snickers, and Milky Way–––all wrapped up in mom. 

“It was held in silence. Wrapped up and put inside a bag ….all of the things.”